Shia LaBeouf

Shia Labeouf
Written by	Rob Cantor
Appears on
Sung by	Rob Cantor
Duration	1:51
Genre	Musical
Language	English

Shia Labeouf is a song by Rob Cantor. It is to be a part of a musical Rob is writing for the stage.

Lyrics

The original version of Shia LaBeouf ends after "You have beaten Shia LaBeouf."

You're walking in the woods
There's no one around,
And your phone is dead
Out of the corner of your eye you spot him,
Shia LaBeouf.

He's following you
About 30 feet back
He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint
He's gaining on you
Shia LaBeouf.

You're looking for your car,
But you're all turned around
He's almost upon you now
And you can see there's blood on his face!
My god, there's blood everywhere!

Running for your life
(From Shia LaBeouf)
He's brandishing a knife.
(It's Shia LaBeouf)
Lurking in the shadows
Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf.
Living in the woods,
(Shia LaBeouf)
Killing for sport,
(Shia LaBeouf)
Eating all the bodies
Actual cannibal Shia Labeouf.

Now it's dark and you seem to have lost him,
But you're hopelessly lost yourself.
Stranded with a murderer,
You creep silently through the underbrush.
A-ha! In the distance,
A small cottage with a light on.
Hope!
You move stealthily toward it,
But your leg! AH! It's caught in a bear trap!

Gnawing off your leg,
(Quiet, quiet)
Limping toward the cottage,
(Quiet, quiet)
Now you're on the doorstep,
Sitting inside, Shia LaBeouf.
Sharpening an ax,
(Shia LaBeouf)
But he doesn't hear you enter,
(Shia LaBeouf)
You're sneaking up behind him.
Strangling superstar Shia LaBeouf.
Fighting for your life with Shia LaBeouf,
Wrestling a knife from Shia LaBeouf,
Stab it in his kidney.
Safe at last from Shia LaBeouf

You limp into the dark woods,
Blood oozing from your stump leg
But you have won
You have beaten Shia LaBeouf

Wait! He isn’t dead! Shia surprise!
There’s a gun to your head and death in his eyes.
But you can do jiu jitsu… (Can do it) body slam superstar Shia LaBeouf.

Legendary fight with Shia LaBeouf.
Normal Tuesday night for Shia LaBeouf.
You try to swing an axe at Shia LaBeouf.
But blood is draining fast from your stump leg.

He’s dodging every swipe, he parries to the left.
You counter to the right, you catch him in the neck.
You’re chopping off his head now….
You have just decapitated Shia LaBeouf.

His head topples to the floor, expressionless.
You fall to your knees and catch your breath.  
You are finally safe from Shia LaBeouf.

Padma Lakshmi Lyrics

You're walking in the woods
There's no one around and your phone is dead
Out of the corner of your eye you spot her
Padma Lakshmi

She's following you, about 30 feet back
She moves like a puma, nimble and quick
She's gaining on you
Padma Lakshmi

You're looking for your car but you're all turned around
She's almost upon you now and you can see there's something in her hand
My god, that's a meat cleaver!

Running for your life from Padma Lakshmi
Brandishing a knife, it's Padma Lakshmi
Lurking in the shadows
Beautiful elegant Padma Lakshmi
Hiding in the woods (Padma Lakshmi)
Hunting for sport (Padma Lakshmi)
By day, host on your TV screen
By night, cold-blooded killing machine

She stops and fires a flare gun
You realize Padma's not hunting alone
The others quickly find you
It's a veritable who's who of TV stars, and you think,
"What the hell is this, some kind of secret celebrity killing club?"
Yes.

Fighting for your life with the cast of Suits
All 12 Monkeys are in cahoots
You're dodging their attacks and landing blows
Defending yourself from your favorite shows
Barrel into Kim Kardashian West
You impale her with a branch to the chest
Blocking your path, there's a man with a cannon
That man's name: Nicholas Cannon

You're surrounded. You beg for mercy, but Lakshmi laughs
She says, "My dear boy, we've only just begun"
Then Todd Chrisley drops from a tree
He's got you in a headlock but you break free
Ahh! Real Housewives everywhere!
Flipping over tables that aren't even there
Knife Fight with Ilan Hall
It's not just a show coming out this fall
Syfy's Ian Ziering is nearing
Naked except for a shark tooth earing

You come to a cliff, there's water below
Could you survive? You don't really know
You're jumping off the edge now
You have just been hunted on our new cable show

You land safely in the river and float downstream
Congratulations, you've just survived Celebrity Manhunt coming to Tuesday nights this fall
Only on NBCU Cable Entertainment!

We've got an all-star cast made of household names
Think Housewives meets Hunger Games
Premium content for every screen
From the starting bell to the final scene
Yes, some contestants may die
It's a small price to pay for a big KPI
Get ready for ratings, it's in the bag
We're so sure it's a hit that we've printed up swag
Upfront season is ending today
Lockdown is nearing, it's moments away
Take out your checkbook, take out your pen
Let the purchasing frenzy for this one begin!

Just one more important announcement
We'll be having an open casting call for contestants
If you're interested...
Please speak with John Cena, at the post party